On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
