ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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