wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
