when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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