She is in my trunk
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Never underestimate the power of titties
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
