i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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