Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
