It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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