I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
