I got chris browned last night
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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