I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
