Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
