I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
