The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
