i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
