found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize