So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
