he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
