i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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