you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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