My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
