tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
