Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
