I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
