so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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