Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I think i got beer on your cat.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
