I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
