so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
