Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize