the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
