I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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