I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
