I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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