tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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