I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
