Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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