Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
