Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
