what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
