Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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