hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
