the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
