She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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