did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
are you so shy because you have an std?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
