paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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