I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Please, let me fuck your mom
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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