my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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