First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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