I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
