just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
