Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
