Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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