God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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