Christians are straight up FREAKS
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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