I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I could fuck to npr.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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