If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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