I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I checked into jail on foursquare
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
