Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize