she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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